Susie
by tika12001
Summary: Set directly after S6E5... the episode in which Susie gets killed. I didn't feel right about that episode and the way it ended, so I wrote this to fix it. For me anyway... I hope you enjoy it too.


**Title: Susie**

 **Rating: K**

 **Author: tika12001 (aka Katie)**

 **Summary: Set directly after S6E5... the episode in which Susie gets killed. I didn't feel right about that episode and the way it ended, so I wrote this to fix it. For me anyway... I hope you enjoy it too.**

 **Disclaimer: NOT MINE NEVER WILL BE MAKE NO MONEY DON'T SUE. I put that in capital letters cause I keep forgetting to put it in my stories BUT I REALLY MEAN IT. haha**

 **Authors note: Don't get too excited, pretty sure my writey thing is still on the fritz. This story has been in the works for nearly 6 months now (apparently I started it on the 27** **th** **of September 2015), and I just keep adding a paragraph here and there, deleting stuff I decide I don't like... anyway, I added a couple of final finishing paragraphs and I think it's as good as it's gonna get. So here it is.**

 **As to the episode... what the fuck? I know this is old news but... like, I get that Frost's death was made such a fuss of because the actual actor died. That was fantastic. And Susie wasn't as prominent a character as he was... but to not give her even half the amount of follow up that Frost had? Not even a quarter? It's a let down. I was very disappointed in that episode and the ones that followed it. Anyway... read on, dear Rizzlers!**

 _R &IR&IR&I_

"Hey."

Maura glanced up wearily. "Hi."

"Where'd you go?" Comfortably, Jane slipped into the booth beside Maura and reached for the glass of wine. Maura watched but didn't refuse her the drink.

"I was still here."

Jane cradled the glass in her hand carefully. "No, you weren't," she said, her eyes softening as she looked at her friend. Maura sighed.

"I didn't leave, Jane. I'm still here... I'm still celebrating Susie's life."

"That's not what I mean and you know it."

Maura's eyes flicked up and, looking through the crowd, she saw the picture of Susie once more. Slamming her eyes shut, she turned away hurriedly, her breath coming in sharp bursts.

"Hey." The patient voice brought her back, and slowly, Maura opened her eyes again. Gradually, inch by painful inch, she lifted her gaze until she met familiar brown eyes. "Hey," the eyes crinkled at her. "Let's get you home."

Immediately, Maura protested. "No... no, I should be here. I was Susie's direct supervisor, I am... I was... her friend..." Her voice broke on the word 'friend' and Maura cleared her throat desperately, looking at her lap as she suddenly struggled to breathe. Asthma? Asphyxiation? Broken wind pipe?

"Maura..."

"I'm fine," she wheezed, internally cataloguing her symptoms. Tightness in throat, difficulty breathing, dry mouth, nausea, vertigo...

"Maura," the familiar brown eyes were back, their owner crouching down so that she could see into Maura's face. "Stop trying to diagnose yourself. You're mourning her, sweetie."

Maura blinked. "I... I... no," she gasped. "No, I... she's innocent. We proved that. We solved the case."

The owner of the comforting eyes sighed. "Yes we did. But that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to miss her."

Maura bit her lip, her eyes filling with tears. "She was my friend," she whispered brokenly, and Jane bit her lip, squeezing Maura's hand, and Maura watched as those dark eyes moved up and away, surveying the bar and its patrons. The heavy beat of Susie's favourite song played on... Maura could feel it reverberating through her head, and suddenly, she felt utterly exhausted. Her friend was dead. And everyone was laughing.

It felt... wrong.

Pulling her hand out of Jane's forcefully, she wrapped her hands around her middle and stood up unsteadily, knocking into Jane and causing her to lose her balance. From her new position sprawled on the floor, Jane stared up at Maura worriedly. "Maura?"

"I... I-I can't. I-I'm sorry. I just... it's just wrong," Maura stuttered, as she looked around the room. There were too many people... too many. And why couldn't she _breathe?_ "I have to go," she muttered quietly, and then louder, worried Jane had not heard. "I have to GO! It's wrong, it's wrong!"

"Maura?" came a soft voice, and Maura was momentarily confused: Jane's lips had not moved. But it was Angela. The bar was quiet now, the music turned off, and Angela was approaching, a caring hand held out, but Maura couldn't _breathe_. With one final desperate look at Jane, who still looked at her bewilderedly from her sprawled out position on the floor, Maura turned tail and ran.

Why couldn't she _breathe_?

 _R &IR&IR&I_

"Maura?" The quiet voice was accompanied by a soft knock, both so muted that Maura wondered if she could reasonably ignore them and pretend she hadn't heard. But even as she thought it, she was standing up and heading for the door. She opened it, her gaze focused on the floor, and headed back to the couch before she could see her visitor. It didn't matter. She knew who it was.

"I could have been a murderer, you know."

"Murderers don't tend to knock, Jane."

The sound of the door closing and footsteps let Maura know that Jane was heading to the couch too. "Is that a generalisation? From the esteemed Dr Isles?" Jane's voice was gently teasing, but even that was too much. Maura curled up, cuddling the cushion closer to her chest and drawing the blanket higher, feeling her lip tremble. Jane sighed heavily, sitting down and reaching over, manhandling Maura till she fell bonelessly into Jane's lap. Maura sniffled. There was silence in the room for several long moments until Jane sighed heavily. "I... God. I'm sorry Maura."

Maura sniffled again, clenching the worn tissue in her fist and twisted her head to look up. "What for?"

"For..." Jane shrugged uncomfortably, "for not taking Susie's death seriously enough, I guess. I... that, tonight... it kind of became a, well, a bit of a party, and..."

Maura sniffled once more, turning back into her original, comfortable position, resting her head on Jane's chest, most of her upper body sprawled across Jane's lap. She took pity on her stuttering friend, speaking quietly into Jane's shirt. "It's all right, Jane. I know you couldn't have anticipated the song that was going to play or the way it would lighten the mood..."

"Yeah, but..." Jane tensed noticeably and Maura frowned, moving slightly so she could wrap her arm around the waist she was so closely snuggled into. Almost instantly, Jane relaxed again, but when she spoke, her words were still clipped and anxious. "You know," Jane said quietly, "I didn't even ask you how you were going. How are you?"

"I..." Maura started with the intention of saying she was fine, but almost instantly her throat closed on the words, refusing to let her speak. Her breathing quickened as she thought about it. Technically, she wasn't going to lie. Physically, she _was_ fine. Clearly, however, her body recognised the lie as it was, because emotionally, she was anything but.

"Hey... it's okay..." Jane murmured, running her hand up and down Maura's back soothingly. Maura focused on the movements, allowing it to stabilise her breathing before she tried speaking again. Before she could try though, Jane started talking. "You know, you asked me all the time how I was going when..." Jane's breath hitched slightly and once more Maura tightened her grip on her waist instinctively, "when Fr... Frost died. And... and I didn't ask you. And I feel like a really shitty friend right now."

"No, Jane, I..." Maura began, but was quickly cut off.

"No, please. Don't. I didn't say that to make you say I'm a good friend... because we both know I haven't been. I just..." she sighed, and her body shook slightly... Maura realized she must have shaken her head, "I just... I didn't want you to focus on it, I guess. Like... if I didn't mention it, maybe you'd just... forget."

Maura stayed silent. She wasn't sure she understood... did that mean that Jane thought Susie wasn't worth remembering? That she wasn't worth grief?

"Stupid, huh?" Jane huffed out a soft mirthless laugh before continuing. "I mean, we just lost Frost. And that... I _know_ that hurt you. He was my friend, yes, but he was your friend too, and you were so busy focusing on me... and _I_ was so busy focusing on me... that I forgot you were hurting too." Jane's voice broke on the word 'hurting' but she cleared her throat valiantly and continued. "I just... when I had... I don't know, come out of the fog I guess you could say, and realized that you missed him too... time had passed, and I thought the best thing to do was just... keep keeping on, you know?"

Maura opened her mouth and then closed it again. She _did_ understand. But she wasn't sure how to reassure Jane that it was all okay.

"I mean... God! I'm explaining this all wrong, aren't I? And I'm making it about me again..." Jane shifted, lifting a hand to her head, probably, Maura thought, running it through her hair as she always did when she got anxious. "Maura, I just... I _hate_ seeing you sad. I _hate_ it. And when Susie... when she died, I guess I just thought... maybe you'd be okay. If I just kept smiling, and laughing. You know, we'd find out she was innocent, which of course she _was_ , and then we'd have a fun kind of memorial at the Dirty Robber... I thought, somehow, that that would make you... that you'd be okay. That you would hold it all together again. For..." she faltered, sounding ashamed of herself, "for me."

"Jane..." Maura started, but Jane shook her head, squeezing Maura's shirt for a split second.

"No, Maura... please. Let me get this out. I mean, Frost, he was my good friend. And to you he was a friend. I lost it, and you held it together for me. But Susie..." Maura's eyes slammed shut as tears spilled over once more. She turned her head into Jane's chest, not wanting to hear anymore but helpless to stop it from happening, "Susie was _your_ good friend, wasn't she, Maura? She was just a friend to me, but she was your good friend, and yet I still expected you to hold it together, and I..." Maura tightened her grip as Jane's voice trembled, "I'm so sorry, Maura. I'm sorry you lost your friend. I'm sorry she's not here anymore."

Maura opened her mouth to speak but shut it again almost straight away. There really wasn't anything to say, after all. Susie _was_ dead, and Maura _did_ miss her. And, at this moment in time, she really wasn't okay with that.

But it was true, what people say about life going on. Maura would go to bed tonight, and she would wake up tomorrow, and Susie would still be dead. Maura would still be sad, and Jane would still feel guilty, but perhaps it would be a little better than today. Not much, maybe... maybe not even enough to notice... but it _would_ be a bit better. And some days would feel like a giant step backwards, but other days she would be able to laugh without thinking about Susie... without feeling guilty. And she would begin to heal. It wouldn't happen overnight... but it _would_ happen. Of that, she was certain.

And, as Jane pulled a blanket over them both and cuddled Maura closer to her body, she realized something. The terrible thing about life, is that everything changes, and nothing stays the same. But... Jane pressed a soft kiss to her head, and Maura felt a soft smile curve her lips... the most wonderful thing about life is that nothing stays the same. Everything changes.

And Maura wasn't sure, but she thought she could learn to be okay with that.

For Susie.

END

 **Much love,**

 **Katie xoxo**


End file.
